What do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? Do you like what you see? Not so much your appearance, but underneath the makeup and the clothes. Are you confident and self-assured or are you full of doubt, discouraged and frustrated? Do you feel like you can’t make it one more day?
I think about when I ask someone how they are doing. I always get the typical “I’m doing fine”, I’m doing good”, “I’m okay”, but I never heard anyone respond by saying “I’m not really doing okay”. Do you ever stop to think if the person you are asking is really doing okay?
If you are not doing okay, then why? What is going on in your life where you are not at 100%? I mentioned earlier about what is underneath the makeup and the clothes. Are you covering up something? Is there something going on with you that you don’t want anyone else to see? Are you crying out for help on the inside but no one can hear you? Not even God?
I think about social media. It is so easy to escape from reality there. You can be anything you want to be. You can say anything you want to say. You can pretend like you have it altogether hiding behind the computer screen. But, when it is dark outside, and the lights are out, and the computer is off, now what? Now you have to deal with you.
You try and pray. You try and have someone pray for you. You try and listen to gospel music. You try and read your bible. You are trying so hard to break this thing that has you bound, but for some reason, nothing is working. You can’t find peace anywhere. You can’t catch a break, anywhere. No one is saying what you want to hear. I have been there before and you know what I had to do? Scream.
That’s right! SCREAM. As loud as you can. Sometimes, when you try and use words, they don’t always come out right. When you try and call someone, they may not answer. Then just scream! Who said screaming was wrong? Merriam-Webster defines scream as “to voice a sudden sharp loud cry”. I don’t know if you knew this or not, but God understands Scream Language!
“But to Hannah, he would give a double portion, for he loved Hannah, but the Lord had closed her womb. Her rival, however, would provoke her bitterly to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb. It happened year after year, as often as she went up to the house of the Lord, she would provoke her, so she wept and would not eat.” - 1 Samuel 1: 5-7.
There is nothing worse when you need to scream but your problems seem to continue to mount on top of the scream that you are trying to let out. Hannah could not have any children and she was taunted and teased and provoked year after year after year. What are you being taunted, teased and provoked about time after time after time? Are people constantly reminding you of who you used to be instead of what you’re trying to become? I too am not proud of some things I have done in my past, but when I am trying to move forward, I don’t need anyone reminding me of what I used to be or what I used to do. Mary Mary says it best: “You took everything I was and made me what I am, and with all I am, I worship You.”
In my last blog, I shared with you my open heart surgery journey, but what I didn’t share with you is that my husband was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma at the same time.
I could not be there for him and he could not be there for me.
I just started a new job and I had not accumulated enough sick time so I had to go without pay.
My husband was working through a temp service at the time, so anytime he had to leave for radiation treatments, no pay.
Even though I a trying to walk on this journey of writing, I am being made fun of, criticized and talked about.
I know what it feels like when your prayers don’t seem to get answered, especially when we want them to. Let your scream be your prayer. Let your tears be your prayer. Whatever you do, let it go, don’t hold onto the pain, the depression, the discouragement.
People have taken their own lives because they didn’t scream. People have gotten into debt because the way to cope with life to is run up credit cards. They didn’t scream. People have turned to food and now have heath problems because they didn’t scream.
When you can’t pray, when you can’t talk, when no one else is around, just scream. God hears that too! How do I know He hears me, because when I look in the mirror, I'm still standing!
Forever Hoping for You,