The worst feeling in the world is being an after thought. No one likes being left out, forgotten, or made to feel as if something is wrong with them. This has happened to me so many times in my life and to top it all off, I was struggling with not having my Dad around. I felt rejected and unloved. I have always felt like I wasn't like everyone else. I have always felt like I was different. I always felt like I didn't fit in and wasted so much time trying to fit in. As a result, I found myself in desperate mode. This was a recipe for disaster.
What is wrong with me?
And a disaster it was. All of my dating relationships were terrible. I typically attracted or got myself involved with the wrong guy, I went too far too soon, I thought someone really cared about me and I thought I was a really special person to someone who I thought was really special to me, just to find out it was all a lie. I used to wonder if there was something on me or something someone saw in me that made me the point person for emotional abuse.
What is wrong with me?
Can you relate? Have you done "whatever it takes" to be in a relationship? Have you lowered your standards so you don't have to be alone? Are you getting pressure from your family and friends to hurry up and get married so you just settle to please them? Have you lost yourself as a woman thinking you HAVE to have a man? I am not saying you don't need a MAN, but in dating, do it because you want to and not because you feel you have too.
What is wrong with me?
When you settle or give into this kind of pressure, it opens up doors to further disappointment and we start trying to please people instead of trying to follow God's will for our lives. We make moves we shouldn't make because we try to fit in, we try to do what everyone else is doing because we don't want to be left out and we don't want to be different from everyone else. We don't want to be an after thought. The "desperateness" in not being alone has taken precedence over our lives and because we have NOT found the right person yet, we begin to think that something is wrong with us. And we will continue to think something is wrong with us until we fix or change us.
What is wrong with me?
Why do we think like this? Where is this type of thinking coming from? It could have rooted anywhere. This is the behavior that was shown to us. This is what was taught to us and because no one told us how worthy, how loved or how important we are and that our lives have a purpose, this is the situation we are in. Functional dysfunction.
What is wrong with me?
Social media is the worst and we need to watch that as well. You can actually be and act like anyone you want just to fit in on the internet. I saw a video a while back where a person was taking pictures of themselves, where they live, what they drove, who they were dating and posting it on Instagram. Another person was getting jealous of their "lavish lifestyle" and when it was all said and done, it came out that this person didn't live, drive or date the way it was presented on social media. Oh the lengths we go through just to fit in!
What is wrong with me?
Well guess what? I got tired of being tired and I had to learn that there is hope in being an after thought, being forgotten and trying to fit in:
Be confident in who you are, as you are right now. There is nothing wrong with improving yourself, but make sure the motive behind what you're doing is correct. In other words, make changes because you want to make changes and not for any other reason. If you are okay just the way you are, that is okay too. Learn to be confident in the skin you're in and look for someone who appreciates that in you as well.
Understand that there is nothing wrong with you. Don't answer to what people say you are. That's giving them way too much power. Sometimes rejection is protection. WE see being an after thought as being rejected but God sees it as being protected.
Never lower your standards for anyone. Don't settle. No one is perfect but if you are dating someone and you can work together on dreams and goals, that's great. If you see some red flags in someone like not keeping consistent employment, lack of money management, lack of a spiritual life or ongoing drama issues, these are things you will need to think about.
Do not give someone wifely benefits if you are not the actual wife. I know this may be unheard of in this day and age, but this is what the word of God says - 1 Corinthians 7:2: "But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband." Remember, you have a standard and this should be one of your standards when dating. If I could rewind the hands of time, I would have saved myself for my husband because that is what God honors. Sexual intimacy should only be shared when a marriage covenant has been made.
No one likes being an afterthought but if that means holding on to the higher standards you have set for yourself, then you are the exception and not the rule and that's the best place to be. I admit I did not practice all of these things I am writing about, but it caused me a lot of unnecessary hurt, pain and time wasted I can never get back and this is something I do not want for you.
Now, after 18 years of marriage, God showed me I was never an afterthought. I was just focusing on the wrong things. Hold onto your standards. Be the exception and not the rule. What's wrong with me?
Absolutely nothing.
Rise Above & Move Forward,
Y.
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